futility
I have been brought to believe that attempting to understand a true objective reality is pointless. Debate with my colleagues about the existential questions of the universe lead nowhere due to humanity's inherent stupidity in the grand scheme of Everything. We don't know why we're here. We don't know what reality is. What, as humans, we should do (and have been doing) instead is enveloping ourselves in a matrix of solidity made out of abstract, subjective meaning to what we percieve, of which exists between our minds and reality in convoluted and unparallel adjacence.
While I know it is false, I will submit to the idea that perception is reality as long as my heart pumps blood. I leave true reality for my death. It is when I die that I will stop perceiving reality and destroy the matrix I have created alongside humanity, leaving me to inevitably surrender to the throes of true reality without a perception to distort it.